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by TheQueerBookworm



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25368259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQueerBookworm/pseuds/TheQueerBookworm
Summary: A short monologue from Lev’s prospective of how he could be feeling after the events of the recent episode*Warning spoilers for Season 34 Episode 37*
Relationships: Lev Malinovsky/Faith Cadogan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





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**Author's Note:**

> I have been wanting to write something about Lev for a while and I really identified with Lev in the recent episode so decided to write a short piece about how Lev might be feeling after the end of the episode, not sure weither this is going to turn into a multiple chapters thing I will see where it goes or if there is any demand for it

For the first time in years I don’t know what I should do, well of course I know what I should do but that is another matter entirely, more so what I should do in this moment in time. I’ve never been one to rationally consider anything outside of my job or maybe when I married Faith but for the first time I find myself thinking like a normal human for the first time in months. 

I throw my phone into the glove box and start the car so I can’t change my mind. I Find myself not knowing what to feel, almost like I’m not in control. I’m just driving into the dark hoping instinct will guide me home to my three beautiful children. 

“Sorry I’m late” I tell Michelle our sitter, we use her whenever she’s available, the kids really like her   
“No problem Mr Malinovsky, now Luca complained of a headache and I gave him some Calpol, I hope that’s ok?”  
“Yes thank you, glad it wasn’t worst, I think Faith has already payed you when she brought Luca home?”  
“Yes she has, have a nice evening Mr Malinovsky”  
“Michelle I’m not exactly authority or anything, call me Lev”   
“See ya Lev” she smiles before turning round and heading to her car. I shut the door behind her and lean against the back of it just being aware that I’m still breathing. I don’t know if I made the right decision for me but I can’t think about myself now. 

“Dad?” Oh it’s Natalia her face almost half in the dark of the upstairs hallway.   
“Hello love, you ok?”  
“Yep, Luca’s asleep said his head hurt so I made him some warm milk”  
“Aren’t you a good sister, Michelle told me he had a headache”  
“Ana’s busy drawing again” oh that girl with her pen and paper, it’s only now that I look up to Natalia who is halfway down the stairs and notice just how time has gone, she’s 14 now and there won’t be many years before she’s at uni doing whatever it is she likes to do.  
“Would you like a hot chocolate?” I ask her since she’s here I may as well look like a good dad, maybe she won’t notice the next time I mess up then.   
“Yes please, can I watch TV?”  
“As Long As your upstairs by the time mum gets back so she doesn’t get mad at me and don’t wake your brother up if he’s not well”   
“Ok Dad” 

“Dad, kettle’s boiled”   
“Oh sorry love” I pour the hot water in the mug well I think it went in the mug before stiring it, I don’t even register when the hot spoon collided with the back of my hand as I drop it in the sink. 

“What you watching?” I ask her when I sit in the armchair in the living room. I’m not bothered it will be one of her british teenage girl shows but it’s a distraction, I don’t want to be alone right now and I’m sending time with my daughter.  
“It’s called So Awkward it’s really good”  
“Never heard of it” 

“You See That’s Martha and she’s friends with... Dad? Dad?”   
“Yes love?”  
“I was talking you through the characters, that’s the second time you’ve zoned out. Are you ok dad? Is it work again?”  
“Sorry love, oh yeah work, it’s just work nothing for you to worry yourself over. Finish that episode then your gonna have to go upstairs because your mum will be back in half an hour. I’m gonna check on Luca just make sure you turn that TV off ok?”  
“Ok dad” I get up from the chair and quietly go upstairs. 

I pear around Ana’s door to see she’s fallen asleep with her drawing stuff around her. I have to very carefully go in and pull her cover over her so she’s not cold, close her book she was drawing in and move her pencils so she doesn’t sleep on them and turn out her lamp before pressing a kiss to her forehead and saying Goodnight before backing out and closing the door. I might complain about these kids and this life sometimes but I don’t know what I’d be doing without them, especially my little boy. 

I don’t know how I end up sat on the floor against the wall in Luca’s room just trying to think of anything to quieten the thoughts swirling in head that have been dragged too far forwards to ignore. I look at my baby boy, peacefully sleeping, even in sleep I’m not truely at peace somehow I don’t think I’ll ever know that feeling. Not now. Not with the guilt or the fear or the past. 

“Lev?” Faith crouches next to where I’m sat on the floor.   
“Shh, hes asleep” I go over and give him a kiss on the head just like with Ana before closing his door before speaking again.   
“He’s asleep and he had a headache but Michelle gave him a look we’ll have to see how he is in the morning, at least he’s not throwing up like last time, he seems to have got off lightly. Ana is asleep and Natalia is in her room.”  
“Thank you, I can’t believe we have a quiet house” she tells me   
“Well it is nearly 11 and at least tomorrow is Saturday”   
“Come to bed, we should get some sleep while we can because if Luca isn’t well he might need us in the night”   
“I’ll go get Natalia to actually sleep” 

I feel so bad as I lay awake with my wife quietly sleeping with my arm around her. I have to stop myself getting up when I feel sick myself with worry as I’d wake her.  
“Lev, you awake?” Oh she’s awake, I don’t reply hoping she’ll think I’m asleep  
“Lev? Lev darling, I know your awake”   
“You got me darling, what’s up I haven’t heard Luca, I think that’s a good sign”  
“I hope so, what you thinking about?”  
“Nothing”  
“I can tell when something’s up with you, was it that Russian today?”  
“No, I just, worried about Luca”  
“I think we got lucky this time, maybe that means it’s working, oh god I hope that means it’s working”  
“We can’t be sure of anything, come on get some sleep” I urge her when I know I should do the same myself but I have to force myself to stay in bed rather than throwing up whatever I had the last time I ate, I think it might have been dinner last night I’m not sure.   
“You know you can tell me anything right?” She says looking up at me and I can feel my heart racing I’m hoping she can’t. My mind flashes round all the times she’s said that, mostly after I’ve got back late, claimed it was a shout, well someone was normally doing some shouting.  
“Of course I do darling” like I could ever tell you this, it would tear my beautiful family in pieces.


End file.
